Everything about my future is so uncertain. I stop suddenly and I can see the whole world turning and spinning and losing control. There was once a time when I thought I knew everything I needed to. I felt certain about where I was going and what was ahead of me. But now I can see so many more challenges than I thought I'd ever have to face.

And decisions. So much about my future is now left entirely up to me. I've gone so long just trusting what the universe had in store for me. But I guess the universe realized that I grew up and now I have some real decisions to make.

I look back on so many years I've wasted. Wasted on thinking that the future was so far away. That I had all this time to do everything I've always wanted to do and imagining that I'd still have more time after that.

Time is an illusion. It tricks us into thinking we have an eternity of opportunities ahead of us. And then all of a sudden you're almost 28 years old working a job that probably won't be around in 5 years and all your insecurities come to surface and you feel everything you thought you'd always have slipping away.

I lack true friends. When you're younger, you have friends by the handful. They seem to be neverending. Now, I have friends but still no SOUL MATE friend. The kind you talk to everyday and share everything with. The friend you can confide in no matter what. Who will always be there, who thinks the way you do and loves you for who you are, even if that means messed up.

I am lonely and lacking.

I have my beautiful daughter and I am reaching so high to be the mother I want to be for her. But I fear that she will one day see the loneliness inside of me and that somehow it will pass onto her. When you have a child all the faults you bear become these dark hidden secrets that you hope they will never find out. You don't ever want to take the light out of their eyes, the way they look at you with so much love. You want to be their superhero forever. I know that's not possible but I am trying so hard to become the best I can be just to make her proud of me.

The universe lied to me.